How to Manage Seperation Anxiety
You have worked hard creating a solid bedtime routine for your child, they are able to fall asleep independently and sleep through the night. You are feeling confident. Then in the blink of an eye that adorable, well-rested child becomes clingy, crying and demanding. All of a sudden, they demand that a specific parent puts them to bed and read them a story. They cry when you leave the room. What happened?
Does this sound familiar? Welcome to separation anxiety.
Separation anxiety can happen anytime between 6 months and 18 months but can really be challenging between 1-1 ½ years. The good news is that this is a normal stage of your child’s emotional development and has to do with having a greater understanding of object permanence (your child knows you are still home when they can’t see you), and that not all people are the same (mom is different from dad who is different from grandma and grandpa and the nanny). It also means that you and your child have created a healthy bond and guess what…they prefer you and are prepared to let you know that preference by crying whenever someone else tries to take your place or you leave the room.
While this is a normal phase it can also be heartbreaking. It is hard to close the door on a crying baby or drop your child off at daycare and having them scream. Ugh! Does this ever get easy?
How to manage separation anxiety:
1. Keep your routines as consistent as possible. Children love ritual and love to know what is happening next. This is important for bedtime routines, morning routines, and nap routines.
2. Practice separating during the day by playing peek-a-boo games with a blanket which allows them to see you disappear. Encourage independent play by trying not to hover and give them space to explore their toys on their own. You might also try to step into another room for a few seconds while they play by telling your child you will be right back and then keep your word.
3. Encourage play with other family members while you are nearby so they get used to being with other people and feel more confident about being without you next to them.
4. Don’t sneak out of your child’s room. Always say good-bye when you leave their room or home. As tempting as it may be to sneak away, this will only create more anxiety. Telling them when you are going to leave builds trust. If you are staying in their room while they fall asleep and then plan to leave, let them know when they fall asleep you will leave their room, so they know what to expect when they wake up.
5. Give them a lovey or another transitional object that they can sleep with and hold when they need comforting.
6. When you do leave them, give them a set amount of time when you will return such as after dinner or after lunch and then stick to it. This will build trust.
7. Validate and normalize your child’s feelings and provide reassurance.
While you cannot prevent them from crying when you leave, these strategies will minimize the tears. Be consistent, be calm, reassuring and nurturing. Model this same calming behavior throughout the day and gradually your child will begin to understand the concept of leaving and returning. This phase will pass, and calmness and predictability will return.